he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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