If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
