Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
