Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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