I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
