Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
