first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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