were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
