Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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