Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
