he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
