Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
