The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
