I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
