He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
