I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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