I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
