Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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