is your mom at the bar?
I cannot find my penis.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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