I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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