Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
