i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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