U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
