I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
