I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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