And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
