guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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