peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
