seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
organizing the empties. That sober.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
