I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
