where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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