After last night, I could never be a politician.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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