Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
