No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize