Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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