Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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