I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize