That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What drink are we having for lunch?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
