Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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