I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
