I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
