Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
