I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
