Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
