there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize