omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the day after is always just damage control
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
