I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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