...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
