The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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