Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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