When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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