ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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