my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
