i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
