I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
