Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
